How did we get here? It's been slightly over 11 years. I first called you up on 13 February 1995 to ask you out for tea. You met me in the library. You had blue jeans and a polo short sleeve shirt, I wore my favourite white esprit dress. Told my friends I had asked you out for tea - they said I was crazy. I think your friends thought you were crazy too. Just remind them that I never asked you for your notes.
I think it started for me when you kissed the back of my neck for the first time in my mother's living room. It was as though the floodlights came on in my head, some kind of karmic flash and you know I thought the next day that it was probably just the moment, but you know what? i've never felt quite the same way again. I've not had another 'moment'. Think of it what you will. I think it was because in some subconscious part of my mind, I knew I had found you.
I feel absolutely ridiculous typing out these things. God knows I've read countless versions of this teenage lovesick nonsense and I know that even I will find this sickening when I read it again. Haven't kept a diary since I was about 15 and my mother read my diary. I can't keep anything in this house for obvious reasons. So after giving it quite a lot of thought, I decided this was the best way. A completely paperless record that I can access anywhere. An anonymous blog that no one will see because of its strange name. There is still a risk I know. But if I keep this in my head, I will go mad; in fact maybe I'm already insane but don't know it. Wouldn't that be classic?
I don't think I will tell even you. Because I think the you I take with me everywhere is not the you I meet for lunch and coffee. You're so much harder to talk to, and so much more cynical than the person I knew 11 years ago. I know the song says that "something's lost and something's gained/ in living every day". But so much of what I remember of you seems to be missing. You seem to be bent on feeling nothing. And I'm so sad that things are this way. You'll never understand how much I miss the person I still remember so well.
I'll keep this blog for a month and see. Then for the sake of my son and H, I'll probably delete it.
But for now, it serves a truly useful purpose and that is I get to empty out all the thoughts swirling round in my head which are driving me insane. I think of you mid-sentence when I'm working. You're always with me one way or the other. You're in my ipod, in the songs i've downloaded into my computer, in my head when I go to work and come home, and every morning I check my phone hoping that I have a message from you.
Is this complete delusion, all these feelings I have? Surely it must be. How can I have such strong feelings for you after all this time, after you've got married, I've got married, I have a kid... I still think if you ever have any children, that my feelings will fade. or yours. Yours will fade and then I'll have no choice but to forget all about us. Even using "us" is a joke. There never was an "us", was there? There wasn't.
I think it started for me when you kissed the back of my neck for the first time in my mother's living room. It was as though the floodlights came on in my head, some kind of karmic flash and you know I thought the next day that it was probably just the moment, but you know what? i've never felt quite the same way again. I've not had another 'moment'. Think of it what you will. I think it was because in some subconscious part of my mind, I knew I had found you.
I feel absolutely ridiculous typing out these things. God knows I've read countless versions of this teenage lovesick nonsense and I know that even I will find this sickening when I read it again. Haven't kept a diary since I was about 15 and my mother read my diary. I can't keep anything in this house for obvious reasons. So after giving it quite a lot of thought, I decided this was the best way. A completely paperless record that I can access anywhere. An anonymous blog that no one will see because of its strange name. There is still a risk I know. But if I keep this in my head, I will go mad; in fact maybe I'm already insane but don't know it. Wouldn't that be classic?
I don't think I will tell even you. Because I think the you I take with me everywhere is not the you I meet for lunch and coffee. You're so much harder to talk to, and so much more cynical than the person I knew 11 years ago. I know the song says that "something's lost and something's gained/ in living every day". But so much of what I remember of you seems to be missing. You seem to be bent on feeling nothing. And I'm so sad that things are this way. You'll never understand how much I miss the person I still remember so well.
I'll keep this blog for a month and see. Then for the sake of my son and H, I'll probably delete it.
But for now, it serves a truly useful purpose and that is I get to empty out all the thoughts swirling round in my head which are driving me insane. I think of you mid-sentence when I'm working. You're always with me one way or the other. You're in my ipod, in the songs i've downloaded into my computer, in my head when I go to work and come home, and every morning I check my phone hoping that I have a message from you.
Is this complete delusion, all these feelings I have? Surely it must be. How can I have such strong feelings for you after all this time, after you've got married, I've got married, I have a kid... I still think if you ever have any children, that my feelings will fade. or yours. Yours will fade and then I'll have no choice but to forget all about us. Even using "us" is a joke. There never was an "us", was there? There wasn't.
posted by asdf at 9:50 AM
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