What is it between us now? It's some kind of twilight relationship. Maybe the word "relationship" is appropriate. It's more than an acquaintance for sure but I don't think it deserves the use of the word "relationship".
Sometimes when I don't hear from you for a while, part of me hopes it is finally over between us and my life can move on to the next chapter. Maybe even a happier chapter. One where I don't spend at least an hour a day thinking about what we could have been. I don't know what to do with my feelings - I certainly haven't been able to ignore them. They simmer down, fester for a while - a few months, even a year, then come back up when I least expect them. What was it... a year? when I met H and fell for him and we got engaged, then pregnant, then married? All the while I was smug and happy thinking that I had left you, no, us, behind for good.
Even wrote you a few times just to stay in touch and to feel that sense of triumph that I had somehow gotten away with it. Then WHAM it all came back one night on the plane ride back from Melbourne. I was bored, sleepy but not able to sleep, didn't want to watch any more in-flight movies ... so I listened to some music. And somewhere in the next 4 hours, you stole back into my heart. I can't remember what the songs even were. Only the one by James Blunt, which really hasn't got anything to do with you. I remember being half asleep and in tears at the same time, then I woke up to the horrible knowledge that I was right back to where I started, only now, I had a son and a husband and everything had been okay when I got on the plane but now ... I'm back.
I'm going to sleep soon. Before I sleep, I read a little just to get my mind off everything. Especially you. But I know that tomorrow, I'll wake up, check my phone, tell myself that you've forgotten us and spend the next 45 minutes trying to figure out how I got here.
Sometimes when I don't hear from you for a while, part of me hopes it is finally over between us and my life can move on to the next chapter. Maybe even a happier chapter. One where I don't spend at least an hour a day thinking about what we could have been. I don't know what to do with my feelings - I certainly haven't been able to ignore them. They simmer down, fester for a while - a few months, even a year, then come back up when I least expect them. What was it... a year? when I met H and fell for him and we got engaged, then pregnant, then married? All the while I was smug and happy thinking that I had left you, no, us, behind for good.
Even wrote you a few times just to stay in touch and to feel that sense of triumph that I had somehow gotten away with it. Then WHAM it all came back one night on the plane ride back from Melbourne. I was bored, sleepy but not able to sleep, didn't want to watch any more in-flight movies ... so I listened to some music. And somewhere in the next 4 hours, you stole back into my heart. I can't remember what the songs even were. Only the one by James Blunt, which really hasn't got anything to do with you. I remember being half asleep and in tears at the same time, then I woke up to the horrible knowledge that I was right back to where I started, only now, I had a son and a husband and everything had been okay when I got on the plane but now ... I'm back.
I'm going to sleep soon. Before I sleep, I read a little just to get my mind off everything. Especially you. But I know that tomorrow, I'll wake up, check my phone, tell myself that you've forgotten us and spend the next 45 minutes trying to figure out how I got here.
posted by asdf at 8:08 AM
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