Well hopefully you're too busy to read this for some time, so I have a chance to calm down.
Every guy I've dated since W was an attempt to meet someone else, and get over you. Every. single. guy. Some had a vague resemblance to you, some didn't, I was trying to recreate lightning in a bottle of course and these things don't ever work out like one intends. I remember sitting in a bar by myself after my friend had left, just wanting to be alone and yet not alone, hoping for a miracle of sorts to happen right there.... and then it did. Kind of. This guy sitting right next to me could probably smell the despair and asked me what was the problem. I told him, yeah. I'm engaged to someone but I think I'm still holding out for someone else. Who's already married, and I don't think he feels the same about me.
He said, first thing. I'm just waiting here for my wife to finish her girl's night out, then I pick her up. Second thing, you really have a lot of thinking to do. If you marry this guy, just hope and pray the guy you're holding out for never comes looking for you. Third thing, I didn't love my wife when I married her, and I still don't, but we have a daughter and she means everything to me. I hope and pray every day that I never ever meet my soulmate, the one woman I'm going to fall in love with, because now it's too late. Anyway, I gotta go. My wife's ready to leave. Good luck.
So I finished my drink and left, a few months later I ended the engagement. Then promptly tried to recreate lightning in a bottle all over again, this time on the Internet, with the results we now see.
My husband wants us to move away from here, live in another country. I've been pushing it off. I know the only way I can ever move on is if I never see you again. Maybe I'll even be happy, after a while. Each time something happens and we stop talking or seeing each other, I'm all in pieces for a few months, then I start getting better, or maybe I just forget how bad I felt and I stop thinking about you every day. The worst is when I'm on the way home or on the way to work, when my mind wanders. It heads straight for you. Sometimes it feels like there's something crawling under my skin trying to get out, it gets so bad.
You say we should live for the present and for what time we can spend together but it just makes me crave for more and the craving and wanting and not having is ten times worse than the despair of actually knowing that I've lost you. It's the absence of hope that makes bearing easier. I know you don't make any promises, but I still have this horrible lingering hope that we will someday be more than this. Sometimes I think too much about it and it all comes spilling out in my dreams.
At times like this I feel so alone. There's no one I can talk to about how I feel. Who could understand? Why should they?
I can understand your perspective on this - what cannot be changed must be tolerated. I try, but sometimes it is difficult to keep everything inside.
Every guy I've dated since W was an attempt to meet someone else, and get over you. Every. single. guy. Some had a vague resemblance to you, some didn't, I was trying to recreate lightning in a bottle of course and these things don't ever work out like one intends. I remember sitting in a bar by myself after my friend had left, just wanting to be alone and yet not alone, hoping for a miracle of sorts to happen right there.... and then it did. Kind of. This guy sitting right next to me could probably smell the despair and asked me what was the problem. I told him, yeah. I'm engaged to someone but I think I'm still holding out for someone else. Who's already married, and I don't think he feels the same about me.
He said, first thing. I'm just waiting here for my wife to finish her girl's night out, then I pick her up. Second thing, you really have a lot of thinking to do. If you marry this guy, just hope and pray the guy you're holding out for never comes looking for you. Third thing, I didn't love my wife when I married her, and I still don't, but we have a daughter and she means everything to me. I hope and pray every day that I never ever meet my soulmate, the one woman I'm going to fall in love with, because now it's too late. Anyway, I gotta go. My wife's ready to leave. Good luck.
So I finished my drink and left, a few months later I ended the engagement. Then promptly tried to recreate lightning in a bottle all over again, this time on the Internet, with the results we now see.
My husband wants us to move away from here, live in another country. I've been pushing it off. I know the only way I can ever move on is if I never see you again. Maybe I'll even be happy, after a while. Each time something happens and we stop talking or seeing each other, I'm all in pieces for a few months, then I start getting better, or maybe I just forget how bad I felt and I stop thinking about you every day. The worst is when I'm on the way home or on the way to work, when my mind wanders. It heads straight for you. Sometimes it feels like there's something crawling under my skin trying to get out, it gets so bad.
You say we should live for the present and for what time we can spend together but it just makes me crave for more and the craving and wanting and not having is ten times worse than the despair of actually knowing that I've lost you. It's the absence of hope that makes bearing easier. I know you don't make any promises, but I still have this horrible lingering hope that we will someday be more than this. Sometimes I think too much about it and it all comes spilling out in my dreams.
At times like this I feel so alone. There's no one I can talk to about how I feel. Who could understand? Why should they?
I can understand your perspective on this - what cannot be changed must be tolerated. I try, but sometimes it is difficult to keep everything inside.
posted by asdf at 4:33 AM
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