Too lonely

Seeing you but not being with you is an extremely undesirable position to be in. I constantly think about "what if.." and "what would we be doing if..." I feel like 2 people trapped in the same person, and one of the 2 is living a half-life of thinking and dreaming and wishing. Talking to you on the phone or seeing you just makes me lonelier, even when you're right there in front of me. It's because we're not really communicating - we're just chatting about nothing in particular to avoid the possibility that we could actually talk about something real. Like how I wish I could be with you. Like how I wish we had not lost all that time, and that we do not continue to lose time. Like how this has become a life sentence for both of us.

And yet when you are in front of me, I have no words for you. Just mindless chatter. I have conditioned my heart and my mind not to feel anything for so long that there's a mind block when we are together, and I feel absolutely ... nothing.

Are you trying to forget me, you ask, after I haven't called or sent text messages for 2 weeks. I have spent a third of my life trying to forget you. What makes you think I'll succeed now? No one can tell me why I can't forget you, why my mind and my heart still continue to want you after all the walk aways, the fights, the years spent apart and the incontrovertible fact that we are both married to other people and will continue to be married to other people.

Maybe I don't love you, but I don't know what this feeling is.