Maybe it's because we see each other more often but it's not so often now that I get all angsty about us and about missing you. When I miss you, it's more as though I'm looking forward to seeing you again, but no longer this gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach, except for today. God I really miss you, and we only just met for coffee. I guess we didn't get to talk much. But as usual I had a good time, just seeing you.
Will you please do something for me? If anything does happen to me, please make sure my kids' custody arrangements go as planned, per my Will? I cannot bear the thought of them growing up poor trailer park trash, smoking, eating badly and drinking coca cola till their teeth turn brown.
You would like my children; one of them looks like me and the other one talks like me. Both of them are pretty well behaved, mostly. And they are extremely affectionate.
I think it was all that talk about my first apartment that got me angsty again. I loved our time there together. But I know it wouldn't have lasted; I just cannot spend my life waiting for you by myself. I always wanted to have kids, and I have loved having my children. Having them in my life makes it easy to be with you and yet not with you. I am perfectly happy with a separation of my time with you and my time with them. I am living a whole life, and at times I do feel like I am almost the person I was meant to be. Although, as you know, not quite the person I was meant to be. How I wish I could live my other life and be with you all the time.
Sometimes I look at wedding photographs (really more as a hobby to improve my photo processing skills) and, having gone through the process of making wedding photographs myself, I know that the couple aren't really as happy as they appear in the shots, that's just posing. And no matter how happy they look, maybe it won't last. I always think that if it was us, I would be that happy, and not just for the sake of the photo. I would be incandescent enough to leave an after-image when the photographer shuts his eyes.
That said, it would be great to have a photograph of you that I could keep. NOT the one taken by Russell though. That man has no talent.
Will you please do something for me? If anything does happen to me, please make sure my kids' custody arrangements go as planned, per my Will? I cannot bear the thought of them growing up poor trailer park trash, smoking, eating badly and drinking coca cola till their teeth turn brown.
You would like my children; one of them looks like me and the other one talks like me. Both of them are pretty well behaved, mostly. And they are extremely affectionate.
I think it was all that talk about my first apartment that got me angsty again. I loved our time there together. But I know it wouldn't have lasted; I just cannot spend my life waiting for you by myself. I always wanted to have kids, and I have loved having my children. Having them in my life makes it easy to be with you and yet not with you. I am perfectly happy with a separation of my time with you and my time with them. I am living a whole life, and at times I do feel like I am almost the person I was meant to be. Although, as you know, not quite the person I was meant to be. How I wish I could live my other life and be with you all the time.
Sometimes I look at wedding photographs (really more as a hobby to improve my photo processing skills) and, having gone through the process of making wedding photographs myself, I know that the couple aren't really as happy as they appear in the shots, that's just posing. And no matter how happy they look, maybe it won't last. I always think that if it was us, I would be that happy, and not just for the sake of the photo. I would be incandescent enough to leave an after-image when the photographer shuts his eyes.
That said, it would be great to have a photograph of you that I could keep. NOT the one taken by Russell though. That man has no talent.
posted by asdf at 8:13 AM
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