Well it's been about 3 weeks since we last met, and much longer since we last sat down to a meal and a decent conversation together. Maybe if this carries on for longer everything will subside again, even if it's just for a year or so it would be worthwhile not to be like this.

Since I started this blog, I haven't been as troubled as I usually am. But the frequency of my thoughts of you is no less - maybe more frequent but always with the confidence that I can talk about it. Or externalise it. That's probably enough for the time being.

H knows there's something. I'm an absentee wife, even when my husband is right next to me. I'm a ghost. He's not stupid - he knows. Even if he doesn't know why, it's affecting our marriage. I think of the years ahead and I just can't imagine. If you're still going to be in my head like this 10 years from now, I think my marriage will definitely be over. The trick is probably not to think about the time passing, or the years ahead - God knows how long we will live anyway - and just live one day at a time. I will avoid thinking about you one day at a time. I've done this for so long that it's almost second nature.

Why does it have to be you and not anyone else? I can safely say there is no one else. No one will haunt me the way you have. No memory will follow me like a wretched spirit the way yours has. It's almost like we have something between us that transcends this life, this lifetime. After all, when you look at the time and the quality of time that we spend with each other, it really hasn't been much at all. Not even enough to sustain a casual friendship, if you ask me.

You tell me then, since you always seem to have all the answers.