Nothing said for more than a year but
tonight I just can't seem to move on. Usually my mind doesn't wander far beyond the kids, sleep, work, and working on my photographs, but tonight I am awake, it's almost midnight and you're stuck in my brain.
Maybe it's because I went for coffee with my friends and saw a mural, and sat facing it for half an hour or so while my head went off in 10 different directions, all thinking about her. And how I wish that I could be true to my deepest feelings and intentions and just be with you all the time.
Instead, I find myself at this age still out there, looking for someone to replace you. And right now, someone wants to and he is trying his best to fit into this space where you still are, where you remain despite everything that has happened.
And if I were true to myself, I would want him to take your place. Because surely this life cannot be about waiting and hoping without end. But as I have said before, there is a part of me that is not me anymore, that walks with you and has a life with you, and what is left behind has no capacity to develop any feelings for anyone else.
I am completely shit at relationships that do not have you in them. Which is remarkable considering how many of those I've tried to have. I have analysed our own relationship to death, but haven't done any work on these others; I know they failed because I couldn't find it in myself to put in the effort.
Today I thought, well what would have happened if he hadn't called again last week after the flowers, and it had been left to me to decide when to get in touch again. Would I have? Would I have left it quiet, just carry on day after day and if I don't get in touch, maybe .... I might conceivably have moved on ? I'm sure if I read through my previous entries, this thought is a constant theme through each one of them. I don't read through the previous entries for exactly this reason. I can't bear the crashing realisation that I have been stuck in a loop, continue to be stuck in a loop and yes, I know I am but the self-contempt is difficult to face.
I still want to live a full life with you. I still want to have your children. At least give me one of these, if not both.
Maybe it's because I went for coffee with my friends and saw a mural, and sat facing it for half an hour or so while my head went off in 10 different directions, all thinking about her. And how I wish that I could be true to my deepest feelings and intentions and just be with you all the time.
Instead, I find myself at this age still out there, looking for someone to replace you. And right now, someone wants to and he is trying his best to fit into this space where you still are, where you remain despite everything that has happened.
And if I were true to myself, I would want him to take your place. Because surely this life cannot be about waiting and hoping without end. But as I have said before, there is a part of me that is not me anymore, that walks with you and has a life with you, and what is left behind has no capacity to develop any feelings for anyone else.
I am completely shit at relationships that do not have you in them. Which is remarkable considering how many of those I've tried to have. I have analysed our own relationship to death, but haven't done any work on these others; I know they failed because I couldn't find it in myself to put in the effort.
Today I thought, well what would have happened if he hadn't called again last week after the flowers, and it had been left to me to decide when to get in touch again. Would I have? Would I have left it quiet, just carry on day after day and if I don't get in touch, maybe .... I might conceivably have moved on ? I'm sure if I read through my previous entries, this thought is a constant theme through each one of them. I don't read through the previous entries for exactly this reason. I can't bear the crashing realisation that I have been stuck in a loop, continue to be stuck in a loop and yes, I know I am but the self-contempt is difficult to face.
I still want to live a full life with you. I still want to have your children. At least give me one of these, if not both.
posted by asdf at 9:08 AM
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