I will never know how it took me so long to realise, but it just hit me today when I was driving to the office in the morning - you would have left me waiting for you indefinitely?! What if I had never met anyone, never married, never had kids, never fought with you over these choices - I could have been waiting for you in one apartment after another for years without end, always on hold, always hoping and waiting.

You had no plans for me or for us! People who are in love with each other make plans for each other, that include one another, but you had no plans for me!  And you say that you love me?

I think the reason why it took me so long to figure it out is because, essentially, I do not love myself.  Sometimes I don't even like myself.  Don't know why, maybe I am broken and never got fixed, and it's too late in the day to be navel-gazing about this kind of issue anyway.  But if I had a little bit more affection for myself, I would probably have figured it out about 10 years ago and walked away, instead of now.

Of course it hurts like hell to realize that.  I've spent most of my working life dreaming about you, and about us, and now I have to find another way to think, and to feel.  I know you would say you never promised me anything, but it is such a fundamental shock and so much agony to realize that you meant to promise me nothing at all.