OK I'm in an emotional loop here, going from sad to angry to numb and then all over again.  How long has it been, 18 years? 18 years of what?  What was I to you, and what were you to me?

Regardless of whatever it was and whatever we had, I do not seem to have anything left for anyone else.

And what is the use of all that, then.  An optimist would say that, having known and understood the depth of this emotion, I should be grateful that I had the chance to experience it.  Another way of looking at it is, I don't see the point.  Maybe it is better not to have known or understood, because now I know what is absent and that knowledge makes the absence and the emptiness that comes with it all the more difficult to bear.

Why did you not choose me?  I am so tired of wondering, am so done with thinking about that.  How I wish I could cycle back to the day before I asked you out for the very first time, and just not take that first step. 

I was a little concerned today that I might run into you, but figured that was unlikely because you don't go to these things, so it was alright.  Over the last couple of days I have gotten a new and helpful perspective on things which has made it easier for me to understand my feelings.  Do you know there is nothing about you that I would want to change, that I would want to criticize?  That everything that you are and do is just fine with me, and I'm not saying that as a teenager or a young person or even an older person but as someone who has known you for a considerable amount of time and I am saying that now, after everything.  I would still not change anything, because I see you as a perfect person.

I just wish you would see me in the same way.  But maybe that should be water under the bridge now.  I found something to read that explained why I feel so hollow and sad, and it also explained that I would eventually feel better which I am looking forward to.  I don't believe everything I read but I would like to believe this, specifically that one day you will be a bittersweet memory and that I will not feel empty anymore.

Given the possibility that you might read this, I feel conflicted about writing freely.  But there is always a chance that you have stopped reading so I write.  The thought resonates in my mind that if you loved me, you would be with me.  And so now I have to find myself somewhere else and with someone else, if that someone comes along.  Nothing about my upbringing and nothing in school has taught me how to deal with this situation, I just have to muddle along even though it is one of the most important things in our lives, to deal with our feelings, and to find someone we would want to spend the rest of our lives with.  I have, but unfortunately you don't feel the same way, so I have to hope the miracle will happen to me twice.  Maybe it won't but at least I will always know how I felt when I was with you.