You are an Asshole

You didn't use to be one. But now you are a Grade A Asshat.

Not that it changes anything. Even though I know that you are, I still have feelings for you that are really difficult to ignore. And even if I don't want to think about it, I'm still thinking about it. And I really hate that.

It's like looking at a chess board when the game's been on for a decade. It's the same game. No one is winning. But the players are still playing the same game. I know your moves, you know my moves. It is a stalemate, but not checkmate. We go away for a while, then someone makes a move and someone makes a countermove. Then we go away for a while again.

Can I possibly ever get away from this? You are not my life. You are not my future. You are a past that I've shackled myself to. I can't live life fully with the memory of you in it.

Here again

Back twice in 2 days. Things must really be bad. I don't even laugh at my own jokes.

Maybe it's the cycle of the moon, but there are times when I forget about this electronic journal and sometimes I just can't leave it alone. It's like a cavity in my tooth - my mind keeps coming back to it in idle moments.

I had asked if you if you would like to meet me tomorrow, someplace private. One of our old haunts, is what I believe I said. I don't think I got a confirmation back from you. Nonetheless, I am still in suspense and am filled with hope. Stupid hope. Again. Well look if I can't avoid this, then I might as well fill up some hard-to-locate-literally-unfindable electronic journal with bitter going-nowhere entries.

Well at least I'm not alone

I read a short story by Somerset Maugham the other day about a man who basically killed himself from opium and starvation in Malaya. He pined for 8 years for someone whom he finally realised was completely undeserving. And yet he still couldn't stop loving her. He probably took the opium to stop thinking.

That's exactly how I feel about you sometimes. When you ask me out for a meal or coffee, and then spend most of the time talking about other women. You are one sick fuck. Even if you're joking, it's so not funny. If you don't have any feelings for me, then tell me. At least I don't have any hope left to torture myself with. Don't drop hints about how we could be together one day, or that you have any kind of feeling towards me other than kindliness and friendship.

I don't have access to opium, but please don't think for one second that I'd rather not forget about us. Even if I have to put a knife in your throat, I'm not going to be your fool forever.

You've made me realise what love is. And that in my one life and existence, you are my true love. Whatever you are. Whoever you have become. At the same time, it's not soft romantic love anymore - it's gone and turned in on itself like a serpent biting its own tail. There's so much bitterness inside I can't even begin to express.

Just leave me alone. If you love ME, then just leave me alone. Lie to me if you have to - maybe you should learn to bear that burden alone.