Well at least I'm not alone

I read a short story by Somerset Maugham the other day about a man who basically killed himself from opium and starvation in Malaya. He pined for 8 years for someone whom he finally realised was completely undeserving. And yet he still couldn't stop loving her. He probably took the opium to stop thinking.

That's exactly how I feel about you sometimes. When you ask me out for a meal or coffee, and then spend most of the time talking about other women. You are one sick fuck. Even if you're joking, it's so not funny. If you don't have any feelings for me, then tell me. At least I don't have any hope left to torture myself with. Don't drop hints about how we could be together one day, or that you have any kind of feeling towards me other than kindliness and friendship.

I don't have access to opium, but please don't think for one second that I'd rather not forget about us. Even if I have to put a knife in your throat, I'm not going to be your fool forever.

You've made me realise what love is. And that in my one life and existence, you are my true love. Whatever you are. Whoever you have become. At the same time, it's not soft romantic love anymore - it's gone and turned in on itself like a serpent biting its own tail. There's so much bitterness inside I can't even begin to express.

Just leave me alone. If you love ME, then just leave me alone. Lie to me if you have to - maybe you should learn to bear that burden alone.