Possible?

If you ask me whether I believe we have a future together well I'll tell you yes, we do. In my head we grow old together. We visit the Greek islands on our honeymoon. We go to Iceland and cross a glacier on a sled drawn by huskies. We dive in Seychelles amongst jellyfish who have lost their ability to sting. The possibilities are endless because if we ever get together it will be a miracle in itself, and once you've had a miracle, the rest is easy.

I can't imagine I ever had the balls to ask if you would ever consider marrying me and being a father to my son. Even writing that down is incredibly hard for me now. But I did ask and you were very tactful in your response, but I do not believe you could say yes. Which is understandable. I really really understand.

How ironic is this. Before you left, I wanted to beg you not to leave, but to stay just for me. I think we had a phone conversation, where I said plenty of nothing, then you had to hang up because you were stepping out for something or other, with her. I told myself that you were intended for great things in the future and she would be a better person to be by your side because I would just pull you down, with my lack of ambition, lousy grades and going nowhere career. People would say I was getting a free ride on your coat tails. I think I believed this for a long long time. And tried to move on, with K.

K was a logical choice because he was a nice decent guy, with good prospects and he genuinely liked me. I made a decision to take our relationship to the next level believing that eventually my heart would follow my head. And I thought it did, for a while. I sincerely believed I could make it work. But every so often, I would hear a song, or see something that reminded me, and it would be as though a veil had lifted in my mind to show me what was really in my heart. Then I heard that you were getting married and I just wanted to be someone else, just for a month or a year, so I wouldn't have to deal with the horror of it.

I recall I told k shortly after that, that I was really to get married. Move on. If I change my status, I could change everything else. If only it were so simple huh. How different our lives would be!

I don't remember how our engagement fell apart, but I knew it was pretty much over when I started seeing you again. You never asked me for anything but my engagement and the layers of affection I had carefully constructed for k withered and crumpled away like fine ash. That he is still friends with me today is a testament to his generous and forgiving character, not to anything I've done to deserve it.

How I wish we could have a life together even if it was just for a week or a month. I just want to experience it. Maybe we might even decide we were not meant to be together who knows?

What a long entry this has been. But it is an odd form of catharsis for me. I feel like my heart has been ripped open exposing my innermost sins and longings, but there is relief and some peace from the usual inner clamour of despair and frustration. Even if no one reads or sees, how odd. My true self is free to roam this webpage, I don't need to appear fine when I am anything but fine, I can say things I can never bring myself to admit in the cold hard light of reality. Like I miss you all the time now. For the longest time it has been quite clear exactly what I need. And I will never cease to regret the choices I have made where we are concerned, that have led us to the present.

Too lonely

Seeing you but not being with you is an extremely undesirable position to be in. I constantly think about "what if.." and "what would we be doing if..." I feel like 2 people trapped in the same person, and one of the 2 is living a half-life of thinking and dreaming and wishing. Talking to you on the phone or seeing you just makes me lonelier, even when you're right there in front of me. It's because we're not really communicating - we're just chatting about nothing in particular to avoid the possibility that we could actually talk about something real. Like how I wish I could be with you. Like how I wish we had not lost all that time, and that we do not continue to lose time. Like how this has become a life sentence for both of us.

And yet when you are in front of me, I have no words for you. Just mindless chatter. I have conditioned my heart and my mind not to feel anything for so long that there's a mind block when we are together, and I feel absolutely ... nothing.

Are you trying to forget me, you ask, after I haven't called or sent text messages for 2 weeks. I have spent a third of my life trying to forget you. What makes you think I'll succeed now? No one can tell me why I can't forget you, why my mind and my heart still continue to want you after all the walk aways, the fights, the years spent apart and the incontrovertible fact that we are both married to other people and will continue to be married to other people.

Maybe I don't love you, but I don't know what this feeling is.