Yet another movie

I watched Brokeback Mountain last night and wept buckets. It was such a relief to watch the characters play out all the emotions I've bottled up within all this time and which I still can never show. I wonder if Jack would still have been so desperately optimistic if he had the opportunity of watching Ennis evolve into a complete asshole over the course of their long relationship.

Or would he have beaten himself to death with a shovel after slowly but surely realising that the man he has loved all his life is a now creep.

Thwarted love loses its bloom real fast when one party is a fool, and the other is a jackass.

The subconscious is an amazing thing. I realise how horribly twisted mine has become when, an hour after the show has ended and I've gone to bed, I'm still weeping while my mind is completely blank. I'm crying and I don't even know why I'm crying. My conscious mind has signed out, and my subconscious mind is not telling me a thing. But it still wants to cry.

I go through days now without thinking about you or talking about you. It's a great feeling I'm sure although the part of me that could enjoy this great feeling is completely numb. It's like part of my mind has been excised by grief and frustration and despair. Just like a masseuse told me once about long-term muscle ache - if we ignore it for long enough, the muscle stops aching because the nerves don't register the pain anymore.

I think I'm okay now. I'm so bitter.